It's raining, it's pouring

Bathroom freebies

Found these stickers in the bathroom when I was at Grackle Mundy last week.



(Location situation: makes more sense if you saw stickers with this slogan all over the place.)

But you can't tuna fish

I was telling someone this story the other day, and I always wanted a good reason to use the old tuna fish joke as a story title, so with further ado:

My job at the deli lasted all of three weeks. At first I was only trusted to chop romaine lettuce (my sister's cred didn't extend to me yet -- she started working there before I did). To move me up the deli ladder one day, my boss decides to let me make the tuna salad. There was a 3-ring binder with all the "secret" recipes. I follow recipes like my boy Mojo follows buttholes. When it came to the instruction "drain oil from can", I was confident. At home, you know, you just open the can but leave the lid in. Hold the lid with your thumbs, turn upside down over sink, and squeeze. No more oil (or water if you can afford the fancy white albacore).

At the deli, the tuna can was about the size of . . . well, metaphors fail me at the moment, so just imagine an industrial-sized tuna can, ie. bigger than your head. Though the scale was different, it was just like the cans at home. I cut the lid open, gripped the can, and put my thumbs into position. I had to let gravity do most of the work for me, not because I was being paid minimum wage, but because my thumbs weren't long enough to push the lid with sufficient oil-expelling force.

I continued on to the next steps, stirred, and dumped the unctuous slop into its serving bowl. The boss looks over my shoulder to see how I did.

He said, "I thought you said you knew how to make tuna fish."

I'm no liar, so "I do. What's wrong?"

"You didn't drain all the oil out." He was right, but I did it just like at home, so what was the problem? "We'll have to throw it out. You have to pick the tuna up by hand and squeeze the oil out of each handful."

Lesson learned: Stealing from the register is much easier than draining oil from a can of tuna.

Grow some balls

I was absolutely riveted by the debate last night. Bush sounded exactly like people I've earwitnessed during business meetings: you did something wrong, your boss calls you in, and you just choke when you try to explain all the good reasons why things are fucked up, repeat yourself idiotically, smile, repeat steps 1-3.

Would you describe the insurgents as "vociferous"? "The enemy understands a free Iraq will be a major defeat in their ideology of hatred. That's why they're fighting so vociferously." Dick. I know, I know, high pressure venue, etc. I probably would have said "vicariously". But the guy is the leader of a super power and there's an aide no less than 10 feet from him carrying the nuclear launch "ball".

Mojo only has one testicle right now. It's the size of a immature lima bean. STUD!

Vietnamese food lesson

Do not slice dried red peppers and later touch your penis.